Sibling Rivalry
If you are planning for more than one child then sibling rivalry is something you will no doubt have to deal with. Is it normal? What can you do as a parent to help? Is it different depending on the ages and age gaps of your children? Is “professional help” needed? Let’s delve into this a little….
No child wants to have to share his/her parents with a brother or sister. This is natural and expected. You may bring a new baby into the home and suddenly the child there becomes unrecognizable to you due to behaviors and actions that you did not anticipate. For a child that previously had 100% of his parent’s attention, having a new baby who seemingly takes up nearly that amount of time and energy AWAY from him would naturally lead to some issues. You may see regressive behaviors in the older child if he/she is a pre-schooler like wanting to use a pacifier, wanting to drink from a bottle, demanding to wear a diaper, or wanting/needing a security blanket. Rarely aggressive behaviors such as hitting or biting may occur. Of course, the older Child One is, the fewer issues with overt animosity toward the baby. However, there still can be feelings of rejection and feeling left out even in teenagers. Try to carve out some time when the baby is asleep when you can devote all of your attention to Child One. Having them take an active role in the baby’s care is helpful also – have them hand you a diaper during diaper changes, help with feedings, etc. Be creative!
There will no doubt be days when you are convinced that your children actually hate each other due to constant bickering and fighting. Typically, these behaviors tend to occur when the parent is present because they are actually competing for your attention. Often, when the parent is not present, they tend to get along fine and play well with one another. Over time, your children will develop deep feelings of attachment with one another and the jealousy and rivalry will diminish (fingers crossed). Learning to share and compromise are critical lessons to learn.
The most important thing to do as a parent is to NOT TAKE SIDES – doing so will make one child feel victorious while the other feels betrayed. Encourage your kids to work out their issues PEACEFULLY between themselves and stay impartial. Of course, if violence erupts, you will need to step in for safety reasons. You must let them know that this sort of behavior cannot and will not be tolerated EVER. Positive reinforcement of good behaviors is particularly helpful but there will be times when negative reinforcement or punishment is warranted. Removal of privileges would be appropriate. Hitting or spanking your child for hitting a sibling actually reinforces the behavior and should thus be avoided. As a parent you will no doubt compare one child to another but try NOT to do this in front of them. Each child is unique and special and should be treated as such. Comparing them aloud will no doubt make one child feel inferior to the other and can lead to resentment of both you and the sibling.
At any time that you feel the behavior of one (or more) child is unusual or extreme OR if you feel that you are not equipped to handle the situation, always reach out to your pediatrician for advice and ways to relieve the tension. In some instances, a referral to a mental health professional is needed. So in dealing with sibling rivalry – prepare, stay calm, remain impartial, and don’t overreact – all easier said than done but goals to work toward nonetheless.